


if we touch hands (will i lose you?)

by jeonkook



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide, sry but he dead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-23 19:57:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6128401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeonkook/pseuds/jeonkook
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it rains outside of tadashi’s house and it rains outside of kei’s, but it’s completely different and feels completely wrong.<br/><br/>(as long as you were with me, i was alright.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	if we touch hands (will i lose you?)

**Author's Note:**

> whooo who doesn't love angst idk  
> its bad and also dangerously unedited sorry  
> title from butterfly by bts

it rains outside of tadashi’s house and it rains outside of kei’s, but it’s completely different and feels completely wrong.

at tadashi’s, his own hand cradled another between his fingers, and the rain fell warmly around them. the droplets were plump and rolled down their hair, and they laughed about it.

at kei’s, the water hits the ground hard, bites his skin, mingles with his tears. it hurts, marking his arms with invisible scars. he hides behind his front door. the feeling of the rain haunts his skin.

it’s not okay. without tadashi, even during his sunny days he feels like drowning.

 

—

 

“hey, tsukki. if she calls, can you tell my mom i’m staying over at yours tonight?” tadashi asked, hands shoved in pockets. “i’m going to- i have something i need to do.”

“yeah, i got you. what is it?” kei said, watching the other boy’s conflicted face. tadashi hesitated, and shook his head a little.

“it’s nothing really. i’m just helping somebody with something. anyways, thanks tsukki! i have to go now,” he smiled and quickly walked away.

“i- okay,” kei responded, talking into to the growing space behind tadashi’s back.

the narrow shoulders answered with silence and they turned the corner, leaving kei alone.

 

the boy wakes with an uncomfortable chill and stares at the ceiling for twenty minutes until his alarm for school goes off. the blaring hurts his ears. has it always pierced through his head like this?

 

—

 

his brother pokes his head into his room, bright presence muddling the edges of the unhappy room.

“hey kei? it’s past midnight. you still have school, don’t you? you should get some sleep.”

“i have homework due tomorrow. i’ll hurry it up.”

“you haven’t stayed up this late in a while! the teacher’s laying it down harder, huh? good luck!” akiteru grins and shuts the door again.

kei doesn’t want to sleep.

 

—

 

“can you believe our second year is already almost up?” tadashi exclaimed, bouncing up and down on his toes. “it’s passed so fast! my mom was right- high school goes by in the blink of an eye.”

“it’s not that fast,” kei retorted. “every day spent with those idiots kageyama and hinata drags on for longer than you’d ever think was possible.”

“but tsukki,” tadashi offered shyly, “you have me, don’t you?”

kei’s cheeks warmed. _stop it,_ he told them.

“yes, that’s true,” he mumbled, and tadashi’s face broke out into a beaming smile.

 

this time he wakes up warm, but his body aches.

_tadashi,_ cries his heart.

_i know_ , he tells it.

 

—

 

this afternoon when kei returns from school, he adds a sleeping pill to his antidepressants. he finishes an assignment in twenty minutes before it kicks in and heads to bed.

_is this what tadashi felt?_ he muses as he drags his groggy self under his blankets.

 

—

 

“so, tsukki,” tadashi said, legs working to stay beside kei’s long ones. “like the volleyball club?”

kei let out a disdainful puff of air. “i don’t know, it’s been one day. i’d probably like it more if we were the only first years joining, but i guess in life you can’t get all you want.”

tadashi laughed. “that’s true, i guess. but they’re not _that_ bad, i think!”  
“maybe,” kei said and shrugged. “i don’t really care, anyways.”

tadashi hummed in agreement and they walked together out of the school gates.

 

the clock reads 4 am when he blinks awake. still, he’s slept about 11 hours. he’ll take the pill later next time, if he does. he only wanted more tadashi.

 

—

 

that night, kei’s in bed without a pill. he’s restless.

his mind runs wild. his hands move and run across his stomach and up his sides. he imagines shorter fingers, softer palm, bluntly cut fingernails.

“tadashi,” he breathes out. the darkness of his room snuffs out the name as quickly as it was said.

he feels dirty and pins his hands underneath his pillow.

it’s cruel, but he doesn’t remember any dreams that night.

 

—

 

on the court, sweat dripping down his face and heat pressing in on his temples, he feels something. he turns to the corner of the court where tadashi is always standing, always practicing a serve or waiting his turn to do so.

kei can still see him there, face glowing and entire body radiating pride as nishinoya misses one of his serves.

the empty corner of the court looks cold and feels warm.

it’s funny that even like this tadashi comes into his mind, when he came to play to forget.

or perhaps it never was his goal to forget. muscles burning even with the painkillers and antidepressants, it feels like tadashi is there behind him and it’s his world.

but it’s funny that when this is kei’s only connection to him, even here tadashi evades him in the end.

the empty corner of the court looks warm and feels cold.

 

—

 

“this is so great,” tadashi shouted, waving his arms around in the cold air. “don’t you love the rain, tsukki?”

“not really,” kei replied, hands remaining in his jacket pockets. “it gets you all wet and you have to do your laundry.”

“well, i like it,” said tadashi and tilted his face up to the sky, squinting at the clouds and the happy little droplets that danced around them.

kei didn’t like the rain, but he liked how happy it made tadashi. happy tadashi was one of the most beautiful things in the fourteen years of his life.

_i’m honestly so thankful you do_ , he wanted to say.

“you can like whatever you want then,” he shrugged instead and took the turn at the street that separates their routes. “see you tomorrow.”

at home, kei looked out the window at the rain that fell. some collected on the roof above his window and slowly trickled down. droplets struck and moseyed down the glass.

they coaxed a smile out of him and he was happy and tadashi was happy.

 

kei awakens curled up crookedly around his blanket and listens to the sound of rain outside of his room. stretching out his legs, he turns his head towards the window. it isn’t raining.

 

—

 

more than anything, he wants rain. the rain made him happy.

he wants tadashi back. the rain made tadashi happy.

tadashi made him happy.

the thought of tadashi makes his heart soar.

it flies through the air until its wings stiffen and lock and it clenches up, jerks, shudders, falls to the floor. through the floor. it hurts, everything hurts, he’s numb, but he can’t get numb enough to stop this, so it hurts.

did tadashi want this to happen to kei? didn’t he know that this would make him feel this way?

 

but maybe he didn’t. and that is why this happened.

 

—

 

he hates this.

 

—

 

he hates himself. he hates this life.

he hates that this would happen to him. to tadashi.

everything is bad, and he hates it all.

except tadashi.

he almost hates him for letting kei go this easily, but he’s so terrible for even letting that cross his mind that he hates himself more.

it’s unbelievable, the hate.

tadashi would never hurt him like this. kei was doing everything wrong.

 

—

 

“don’t buy that. that’s like the worst thing for you in the entire store,” tadashi frowned and poked kei’s shoulder. the blonde frowned back and held his hand up, pointing at the can in his hand.

“it’s just a sports drink. my brother drinks it all the time, and he’s in highschool, so he knows what he’s doing, duh.”

“my mom says it’s really bad for you. read the label!”

kei turned the drink over in his hand and tadashi leaned in to read it with him.

a few seconds of silence passed by and kei sniffed.

“what are we even supposed to be reading on the label anyways?”

“i don’t know either. what does- that mean?”

“why are you asking me? i don’t know, jeez.”

tadashi took his opportunity in kei’s moment of weakness and snatched the drink out of his hand. startled, kei watched as the boy ran the can back to the fridge in the convenience store and grabbed an extra bottled smoothie.

“drink this instead. i’m getting the same one!” he said, returning to kei.

“fine, then. if you say so,” he grudgingly agreed and they walk over to the cas

 

kei awakens suddenly and roughly and it feels horrible. he’s shaking and his stomach is being ripped apart and he can’t stop shaking and it’s terrible and now he knows the steadily piling up amounts of pills are already too far and it’ll be over for him, he’ll fulfill his time, not have to do this anymore.

but the dreams. he’s almost there. give him three more days- or even maybe two.

_just two more days,_ he says. _two more days for my life._

and he bargains with time.

 

—

 

or does time play with him?

 

—

 

he trembles through school, avoids the teachers when they walk down the hall, skips volleyball practice. he’s been skipping, or at least that’s what he remembers. or assumes.

he comes home. closes himself into his room. shoves two more into his mouth. turns the pills around in his mouth. they’re the same as they were yesterday and the day before, and the familiarity reassures him in the most bitter time of his life. the familiarity of the trap is the trap. the trap is the cause of his torture.

he swallows the pills.

 

—

 

“come on,” kei muttered and pulled tadashi’s hand behind him.

“but why?” tadashi pouted, still following the other boy. “those kids have mini brownies and i almost got one!”  
“just come with me,” kei said and they walked down the sidewalk together.

 

“come in, boys,” kei’s mom called and the two middle school students entered the kitchen. “yes, kei-chan, you can have the brownies now.”

tadashi perked up when he heard _brownies_ and looked excitedly around the room. there on the counter was a plate of large brownies. he turned to kei incredulously.

“see? these are better,” kei said simply and grabbed one.

tadashi laughed quietly and took one as well.

 

—

 

he wakes up in the morning, but barely. he almost wishes he hadn’t. but now he’s done.

he’s done. he’s seen tadashi back when they were younger and had no cares at all, except maybe for each other. there’s nothing else he needs that this world would offer him anymore so he reaches under his pillow for the prescription container.

he gets three, four, maybe more, down his dry throat, and closes his eyes.

he lies still through his school alarm and then doesn’t meet akiteru by the breakfast table like he normally does before leaving for school.

his brother comes to check on him, but the door’s locked. it takes him five minutes to find the indoor room keys and two more to get into the room.

maybe if it had been unlocked already, he could have reached the hospital in time.

 

—

 

“thanks tsukki,” tadashi said to him one sunny day when they were 10.

“you’re welcome,” kei answered and dribbled the ball again. tadashi pouted and ran closer to him.

“you’re not gonna ask why?” he prodded, almost sulking. kei shook his head, but then asked him anyways.  
“why are you thanking me then?”

“well,” the boy began, stepping back and staring off at the other side of the park. “i want to thank you for a lot of things.”

kei bounced the ball once and caught it.

“i’m glad you let me start playing volleyball with you,” tadashi continued. “and i’m glad you’re my friend.”

kei dropped the ball onto the ground and stopped it with his foot.

“also, i’m thankful that those bullies were there that day you passed by, because even though all of the trouble they gave me and put me through was super bad and i hated it a lot i think was all worth it since it gave me you.”

the ball slipped out from under his foot and they watched it roll away from them.

“i think you’re what my mom would call a blessing,” tadashi said and smiled widely.

kei shook his head. “no, i think you’re wrong.”

tadashi’s smile slipped off his face. “my mom also said that not everyone is perfect and i know that is true, so i think i am right about this too even though there’s a lot of things i can’t do or don’t know.”

he stepped closer again.

“no matter what happens, you’re going to be my light and my blessing and if you’re here, then i’ll be alright,” he said seriously. “and like this, i’m going to be _your_ blessing and as long as i’m with you you’re going to be alright! always, okay, tsukki?”

“yeah, okay,” kei said. he didn’t know what any of this had to do with the situation, or why tadashi was so earnest, and he started to move to get the ball from where it had rolled to.

 

_no,_ he whispers, _thank you._

_thank you for being my blessing, no matter how short-lived._

_thank you for giving me these memories to begin with._

_as long as you were with me, i was alright._

 

_always, okay, tadashi._

**Author's Note:**

> if this made you sad then please pat me on the back bc idk what im doing anymore  
> i will pat you on the back right back. exchange back pats now


End file.
